Silence Hurts, Love Heals
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Alternative Version to Silence Hurts what if Matt had stopped Sylvie Brett from pulling that trigger? What would her life be like two years later? First few chapters the same than the story takes a twist.
1. Chapter 1 Tears

**Fandom: Chicago fire**

**Chapter 1: Tears**

**P O V: Sylvie Brett**

**May 18****th****, 2018 **

**A/N: As usual, I own nothing but the plot and any original characters. All glory goes to NBC, Dick Wolf, and his creative team. Thanks to all who review****ed****, ****favored, or followed****. Warnings mentions of Abortion, suicide. This is an alternative version to Silence Hurts, where Sylvie is saved from suicide. How would life be different? Shay is alive in this version ****she has two kids Matt is their father****vitro fertilization****. **

"Sylvie, Brett listen. I'm sorry I jumped you on that call." Spinning so I can face my partner Gabriela Dawson; I almost lose my balance from the brutal waves of dizziness. Each word she stuttered to me was making me angrier and angrier. My breaths come in short, painful gasps. I can feel my body coming down with something. My chest is super tight; a flushing fever is consuming my body; every syllable comes in raspy tight spaces.

"Gabby, I have never been spoken to so harshly like that in my life. Not on the sidewalk, at work, certainly by someone who's supposed to be my best friend, partner, that was in front of a victim."

"No..I Know..I just had"

"Gabby, I don't care what you had going on in your life. I have things going on too, I treat you with respect…

I can't get the rest of that sentence out because a coughing spasm takes over, becoming a tight wheeze. My fingers gripped the window frame to keep from falling, no matter how hard I tried to breathe evenly. My chest still tightens, causing me to cough, wheeze, gag. Nausea tore through my stomach, my head tightened, which only made things worse. Flinching as she reached out, I jumped back eyes blaring towards her.

"I treat you with respect every time those bells go off. If you c..a..n..'t...d..o...t..h...a...t don't ride with m..e..o...n..6...1."

Leaning against the wall, my shaking hands try to use my inhaler. The worry in Gabby's eyes is real, almost softening me till I remember how she had snapped at me just thirty minutes beforehand. "Sylvie, I'm sorry I fought with Matt, my mind is just all over the place. He can't understand how much I want a baby."

God, every breath hurts worse than the last. I can feel my lungs struggling to work who else can say they feel a body part they can't see? My throat is raw from coughing; sandpaper is softer than my esophagus right now. Placing my hand over my heart, I can barely feel it compared to the pregnant elephant that is always on my chest. "Sylvie, you need to calm down this stress isn't helping you."

"Gabby, I get it, I understand."

"Do you Sylvie? I mean, you don't want kids. So how could you understand how I am feeling? I would do anything for a baby; I'd even give my life up to bring life into this world."

"I know Gabby; I'm sorry you're hurting."

"Brett, your words are meaningless; your actions speak louder than words. You were given the gift of life by my brother; you threw it away. I would've done anything for that baby for a chance to be a mother."

"That doesn't give you the right to mistreat me Gabby; you swore you supported me, how dare you throw that time of my life in my face. Deciding to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision; I ever had to make! You know that you were there with me holding my hand. You said you loved me; you swore you'd keep your mouth shut from Antonio; you have no right, Gabby."

The angry words still ring inside my head hours later as the tears stream down my face, my hands brush over my flat toned stomach. Where there was once life fluttering inside of me now, there is a pit of nausea. I'm not sure how since I spent hours vomiting when I got home, yet I can feel the collision washing over my stomach. Almost as intense as the pounding of jackhammers drilling into my skull from all angles.

Nothing is helping now, not the steam of the scolding hot water streaming down my bare body as I stand in the shower at home. Closing my eyes to block out the brilliant rays of sunlight pouring through my window in the bathroom. Nothing stops the flow of tears which cascade down my face.

Thankfully, the music's turned way up, so my roommates Joe Cruz and Brian "Otis" Zvonecek can't hear me, or they would be in here demanding to know what was wrong even though the whole firehouse listened to the fight between Gabby and me only hours earlier.

Six and half years of friendship confiding in each other, sharing secrets, crushes, vacations, girls night's out. Working side by side, living together. In a flash, she had rejected me thrown it all away with a straightforward sentence. She knew it would destroy me. "You have no right to live Sylvie, not when you could so carelessly murder your own baby."

Those words the harshness in which they were thrown at me tear through my body, crushing my soul, Tears keep flowing as pain rips apart my stomach my knees buckle. I fall against the wall wailing worse than when I saw that innocent puppy get hit by my parent's car. My brother Juventino tried to drive it when he was ten trying to prove he was cool to his friends.

All morning all I've done is cry rivers of tears, there's been enough waterworks that if I had a boat, I could sail to heaven. I can't seem to keep my emotions in check; I hardly ever cry life had taught me to be tough to keep my emotions in check. These last few days though all I can do is cry endless streams of tears, all my scars have reopened, the damage of my youth, the untold stories which have brought me to my knees before now pour out. I've heard from many people not to take the words said in anger to heart.

I think differently if you say it you must have been thinking it way before the anger took over. If you think it, then some part of you has to be feeling it, so somewhere inside of her. Gabby had been thinking all along that I didn't deserve to live.

How long? It's a thought I wish I never had to have, yet it's there haunting me now screaming inside my head. "Murderer!"

I have no idea how long I lay crumbled onto the cold, wet shower floor, all I know is that when I finally find the strength to pick myself up, the water has become ice cold. My body is shivering tiny arm hairs stand at attention. My neck is twitching in pain, my legs shaking as I try to dry myself off. Giving up, I throw my clothes on wet. I can't yell for the guys. My chest is unable to contract to allow air inside. I need my chest physical therapy.

The lights are off when I go downstairs damn it's already darkening outside, how long was I on the floor? A glance outside the window tells me Cruz and Otis are gone. Once again, I am left alone they know I need my therapy without them. I have no one. Gabby is the only one who knows how to do it; Gabby's pissed at me so who do I have left? No one.

"You don't deserve to live," my feet spin who said that? No one is there, just the open window. I didn't know the voice either. It sounds young. "I don't have a name." Am I going crazy? There is the voice again. "You named me no one," salty hot flames of water sting my eyes. Coldness descends on my body. "I never got the chance to live; if I did, you would've been given the name mommy."

It can't be no; this isn't the reality I am just tired, sick. Close your eyes. Sylvie relax, breathe slow one two three. Lay down on the couch. I keep telling myself over and over, but nothing stops the tears or the dizziness they seem to go hand in hand. My own hands have lost control running over my stomach, which flutters but not with life.

"I wanted to be known mommy; I wanted you to see me for who I am, who could I have been, would I be a boy like daddy? Or a girl like you? Would I laugh loudly or giggle? Would I be a baller or a ballerina?"

"Stop." I whisper my chest hissing in pain, "You named me inconvenient. Why mommy" "I didn't force you to spread your legs; you made the choice mommy, so why did I have to pay the price?"

Shooting up gasping, I almost pass out from dizziness, losing my balance; I fall off the couch vomiting with such force, blood comes out. "I could have had a song mommy, so many mommies would have wanted me, you had choices mommy, why chose to end my life? I could have had my own melody, I could be dancing to my own beat, now I am silenced. Silence hurts mommy."

Regret pours from my eyelids; I can taste the sourness. It scorches my lips as it drips down. Burning worse than the acid churning from my stomach. I didn't feel like I had a choice back in January I can barely afford my daily treatments, rent, my health is on the rocks. Cystic Fibrosis has taken its toll on my body, my mind. Carrying to full term could do more damage than I wanted to risk, not to mention any child I have could be born with this horrible disease at the least they would be a carrier.

Antonio had broken up with me the same day I found out I was pregnant, making it clear he wanted to date other ladies and not be tied down. He has two grown kids, why would he want to start over again? Gabby swore, she supported me. Liar, she just said what she thought I wanted to hear. I stumble to the bathroom my legs shaking in pain.

Griping the sink as I wash my mouth out I am completely wiped I can't even make it to the bed my legs give up as I land at my desk. Remembering that night when our baby was conceived, we hadn't been together in months, one encounter one conversation, "How have you been Tonio?" "Missing you, Sylvie, you look amazing." one kiss became us stumbling to his car, my back slamming against the backseat.

Kisses becoming feverish, clothes coming off. "I don't have protection." "I don't care; I want you, I need you." "Are you sure?" "If you are." I can still feel him inside of me. His scent lingers on in his old PD shirt I am wearing. He'd hate me now if he knew. "Babies are miracles from God, no matter how hard I may have struggled, I would never wish away my kids, they are my world." His voice echo's inside my brain, which is spinning. It wasn't his body, though; it's mine. Don't I deserve to be happy healthy? Didn't anybody give a damn about me? Understand what living with CF is like for me on a daily?

CF feels like a Drum-line progression; when they're playing, the sound vibrates and hits every corner of the drum and extends out to the ears. When I hit my chest like a drum, I can hear the sounds of mucus being loosened up.

I can feel CF. I know it's in there, in my chest. It changes like the seasons. On the days that symptoms are less, I take the freedom and embrace it. I love these days. It's days like those that make me feel like I can be ordinary layout in the sun, dive into the water and not worry about choking.

There are other days, similar to a cold winter day, where CF has frozen my lungs inside me I can't just Let it Go as Elsa sings. CF feels like that fat bitch who needs to sing before the show ends.

It feels like a secret beach given to only those who suffer you can't find the damn mainland because the directions haven't been programmed into the damn GPS.

"You brought this on yourself." I don't spin this time. I already know who is talking. It's my conscious this bitch won't let me forget. "I'm sorry," I whisper to the heavens, but does it matter now? Now that its over, I just want to hold my baby. I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me. I've gotta live with the choices I made; I can't live with myself today. Is it my guilt, or is it Gabby causing these tears of regret? For twenty minutes, I gag, cough, vomit, burying my head between my hands as sweat drips down my face, chest.

Washing my mouth out. I try to sip some water, but not even the coldness of the water can't wash the shame away. I need a distraction youtube videos, music, Facebook, anything. I know I won't be able to sleep despite the fact I am so bone-tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

The instant I log into Facebook, I regret it. I am slammed with messages, all leading me to one status.

**Gabby Dawson**

**May 18****th****, 2018 4:30 pm Chicago, Illinois, O'Hare International Airport **

"_This shit has been clogging up the pipes to my heart for too long. Tired of being the bitch who gives, gives, and never receives. I'm done, I've been dangling for far too long. They say if you see someone hurting, don't look away. I expected my family, friends to see my pain. I guess I am just not important enough for anyone. Thank you to MattCasey and SylvieBrett for showing me just how little my feelings, dreams matter. If I can't have my dreams, then there's no point in sticking around. I'm off to Puerto Rico might as well go somewhere I am wanted. I'll take my tears, broken dreams, and build a new life somewhere where I can be myself without judgment. It's been real, but you won't hear from me again." _

Days like today make me feel like I bought the losing lotto ticket. I can't stop coughing or vomiting. I need my CPT the boys know it, they swore to be there for me when we moved in, the last six years Gabby has done my sessions four times a day, Nine positions over thirty minutes. So who can I call? No one. Briefly, my mind drifts to Matt he could learn how to do them, but he's probably already drunk, if I'm taking Gabby's leaving badly, her husband must feel devastated. I think about calling him; Matt's an excellent listener. My fingers hover over his name. In a moment of desperation, tears falling, I press call. Praying, he answers. It rings, rings. Till I get his voice mail. I leave a quick message but hang up my chest feeling tighter now than ever.


	2. Chapter 2 Suicide

**Chapter 2: Suicide**

**P O V: Sylvie Brett**

**May 18****th****, 2018 **

Comments start pouring in with each click of the mouse hundreds more appear below her status—most slamming either me or Matt. Over half of them are from people I have never met in real life.

**Mary Beck: **"Selfish, you deserve better friends than them, jealous bitches, you spread those wings and fly."

**Nolan Bier: **"Don't waste your time on fake friends; you have a light don't let haters dim it."

**Allison Rafferty**: Gabby, you do so much for so many people, you are better off without scum like them.

**Allan Chout:** Fat pig Sylvie how can you be such bitch? I mean, Gabby showed you the ropes! She took you under her wings when Shay was hurt her best friend, and she gave you a chance, I always said you weren't cut out for this job, does anyone ever listen to the Chout man? Nope."

**AnnaTate**: People show their true colors when being rude. Negative people attract attention; that's all some people crave is attention. We call them whores. Lay off people I bet half of ya' fools don't even know these people, yet social media makes you feel like you're entitled to ride your high horse, because you're not face to face, Grow up!"

**Natalie Manning**: "I pray you find the peace you need, sweet Gabby. I will miss you here."

**Ava Bekker:** "Babe, if you need beauty, go to South Africa, see my aunt J'san she owns a bed and bath. She'll take care of you; there's no place more beautiful than my home country. I miss you already. SylvieBrett you are a precious soul ignore these trolls they know not who they . They just see attention. Kisses babe, we need a girl's night."

**Erin Lindsay: **"Someday we will all have perfect wings till then lay off the blame, no one knows someone else pain. Gabby, I pray you find the serenity you need, no one knows a broken mind the way I do. It's hell, but you dear are heaven."

**Cole Drew: **Slut I knew Sylvie in high school she was a tease a heart breaker and easy in every way, the pretty ones are always the bitchiest. Get out when you can, Gabby."

****Who the hell is this Cole guy? Where does he get off telling lies? I never knew him, I sure as hell never slept with him. I'm coughing so hard now it's hard to see the tears keep flowing. I should stop reading, yet I can't.

**Erik McAuley: **It's all doom and gloom Gabby. Chicago is one big thunderstorm that never ends; you'll never escape hurricane 51 unless you run far and away. If you can't handle the rain, go to the sunshine."

**April Saxton: **Heard Sylvie had an abortion murderer, you deserve the hate, you committed the unforgivable sin."

How did she hear about my choice? It wasn't at Med, who told her? Only Gabby and Shay knew. How could they betray me? I am shaking so hard I can't even hold the mouse anymore.

**Ava Bekker: "**April seriously? I can report you on so many HIPPA visitations from just this one sentence what the eff is wrong with you? Gawd, I am just so sick of all the hate out there! The self-loathing, personal insecurities, and lack of self-respect that these bullies must have for themselves, yet they feel the need to project onto others who are brave enough to live their dreams and life to the fullest is getting soooo boring. SylvieBrett seriously call me babe. April, you need to report to Sharon's office **ASAP by that I mean now!" **#bullyingkills #stopthehatespreadthelove

**Tate Johnson: **Is Sylvie that skinny white bitch? Tell her to stick an apple pie in her mouth she looks anorexic. Bitch, you need to quit running your mouth and shove food down it, ain't no one liking a skinny whore. Put some meat on them bones uh you white girls make me ill."

**Pinata Dawson**: Bitch I'll beat her ass send me her address no one makes my cousin leave her home state, she needs to go back to Farmville. Get the eff out of Chicago Brett!"

**Katrina Dawson: **Yo' hit me up PanataDawson we gonna whoop that blond bimbo's ass! Ain't no one gonna drive our family outta town. I promise I won't stop smashing her face in till she bleeds out! You wit' me?"

**Will Halstead:** "I blame you for this, Sylvie! I'm also very drunk."

**FarmBoy2018**: "I live in Fowlertown where Sylvie is from, man ya need to hear the rumors about this chick, she got around. If she still lived here, I promise you I would kick her ass after I banged her of course, she doesn't deserve to live, not after what she did to my bro' she's a leach she gets her claws into you suck your blood and leaves you left gasping for air. Run Gabby Run!"

**FarmBoy2018Bro's:** Preach Bro' preach she's a disgrace to the human race. I hope I live to see the day when her suicide is that day's headline. If you won't come out and play Sylvie, please do us all a favor off yourself, a gun we all know you have them, a knife, pills, drink your sorry ass to death, who gives a shit how ya do it just DO IT! You're not funny, brave, smart, beautiful you are worthless! Your life is meaningless!"

**Middleofthesong:** If you ever find anyone stupid enough to date you send me their address, I'll send them a sympathy card; they'll need it. You don't deserve love, just hate, murderers, aren't humans their pigs. I believe AprilSaxton.

**AvaBekker:** "Please call me Sylvie let me know you are okay. You are a beautiful woman, don't let this hate effect you. The world will be deprived of your beautiful rays of sunshine."

My phone was blowing up as severely as my FB account is all from people I know in real life. Pinata and Katrina are both sending me hate-filled text messages.

"I know where you live, bitch. Watch your back."

"I'm coming' for your ugly ass."

"Ain't no one gonna drive my family outta town."

"Bitch, I got my gun you better off yourself before I get there.

I promise you there ain't gonna be no fair fight. You ain't no match for my fists or my Tomahawk."

Joe sent me a text he had seen the fight in person, had held me told me he loved me, he would be there. Now I read the words disbelieving what I see with my own eyes.

How could you! Gabby is a beautiful light! How could you drive her away? I am so mad; I never want to see you again. YOU KILLED YOUR BABY! You made Gabby go with you! You knew how much she wanted a baby. Monster! God will never forgive you! Neither will I!"

His text sends my phone flying across the room. Growing numb now, I can barely feel the tears sliding down my face. It's a strange feeling paralyzing my body. I'm beyond breathing, feeling, tasting, seeing. If everyone is telling me how awful I am, maybe it's true, this reminds me of high school all over again. Perhaps it would be easier if I wasn't around Joe and Otis could find a new roommate one who didn't come at such a high cost.

My parents wouldn't have to worry about my safety every day; trembling fingers trace the photograph inside the glass walls. Trapped forever in an illusion of fake smiles and laughter. Tess and Peter, my adoptive parents, they didn't give birth to me. No, that honor belongs to the dirtbags who left me on the door of a firehouse when I was two days old. Rejected even in birth before I even knew what the hell life was.

What chance did I ever have? Seventeen foster homes in the first two years, I don't remember them. I only know because I read my files once by accident when I was thirteen, my guidance counselor had accidentally left them open on his desk. Rejection has become a way of life for me; none of those foster homes wanted me. Why didn't my parents want me, though?

Did I cry too hard? Too loud or too long? Dirty my diapers too fast? Did they know I had CF? Did they not want to watch me die? Spend the money it takes to keep me alive? Were they addicted to drugs? Was it too hard financially?

Were they too young? Or just simply not care enough? Was I a mistake, were they just not strong enough to have an abortion? Were they not allowed to? Was my mother raped? Or did she have a career she refused to give up for an inconvenience such as a baby? Maybe I am more like someone I have never met than I could ever imagine.

Rejection I know it well Keith, Cian, Scott, all teenage boyfriends who rejected me after one kiss. They called me salttoplous they said kissing me was like sticking their mouths in a salt shaker. CF affects epithelial cells in the skin's sweat glands, kids with CF may have a salty "frosting" on our skin or taste "salty" when you kiss us. We may lose abnormally large amounts of body salt when we sweat on hot days. My grandma used to tell me that they were just kids, kids were naive and followed their peers, teenage boys didn't think with their brains or hearts only their throbbing junior members. I miss my memaw. I haven't seen her in years.

Antonio isn't a child though he broke up with me; his excuses were more grownup work, kids. Rejection is rejection, no matter how you do it. The pain is every bit as real. My pill bottle rattles in my hand, this should be easy. I am so used to taking a fist full of pills every day. Life isn't worth the fight anymore, so many questions run through my brain, no answers, counting out thirty pills, I take slow deep breaths, soon there would be one less heart to be broken. Twenty-five pills for every year I have been alive, five for the rest of my twenties. I don't plan to see through.

Typing a Facebook status, I feel strangely at peace now, I've made my decision no one can judge me anymore.

**Sylvie Brett May 18****th****, 2018 5:50 pm feeling hopeful**

_"I hate when people say thinking of or committing suicide is selfish or cowardly. You believe that we don't know that this will hurt the ones we love. You don't believe that we don't think about it, 24/7? Because we do. It's all I've thought about since I was a teenager. Depression is a disease people, not a choice, I've fought it so damn hard for so damn long, in silence. I've plastered on the fake smiles, lied the same song; I'm fine over, over, and f***ing over again! I've laughed at your salty jokes, hid my tears so you wouldn't be uncomfortable. Sometimes I got so damn good I even believed my own lies. That "I am fine" I'm not fine! I haven't been okay or right in a very long time. _

_Today the truth comes out; some of the people I am closest to don't even think I deserve to live, so today is their lucky day. Today is my last day on this damn earth, so get your party hats ready, rest those legs cause soon you'll be dancing in celebration. I'm singing my last lullaby thanks for setting me free, see you in heaven if God grants me forgiveness for this last sin. If not, I'll be burning in hell; I'm used to it. So no sacrifice, right? _

_To t__he people who I've touched who give a damn about me, well, I am sorry. Once again, I will let you down. I hope that my death won't screw with you too much. I hope you know I am not doing this to hurt you. I am doing this because I love you. I can't be the source of your hurt, discomfort, or inconvenience anymore. I want you to know I appreciate everything you have ever done for me, I feel you, you have touched me. This pain is just too damn heavy anymore. I can't breathe; it feels like being underwater; I can't hold my breath anymore. Even when I am not holding my breath, I can't find air. _

_I hope my life will, in some way, leave a positive impact on you. Cause in this life, it's hard to tell what's false and what is real. W__hat's the point in life when you can't find happiness? When all you do is cry? What's the damn point in holding on when so many people are telling me to go? I'll never find love who would want to be with someone as messed up as diseased as me? When the truth is, my life expectancy is so short anyway. Why risk love when you know you'll only lose? I want to be woke as the kids would say, but the truth is I wake up every day with a fake ass smile feeling like complete shit. _

_I haven't laughed in real-time in years. I've made a disaster out of my life. All I really know for sure is this. I don't belong here anymore. _

_I don't want to be here anymore; I'm tumbling. No matter how strong we all, one day we will all return to the ground. Another day has gone. A day closer to fate, don't try to stop me, you'll be too late. My mind is set; I need to spread my wings, to be free. Silence hurts, I am done with hurting. I'm sorry truly for anyone and everyone who genuinely loves me. Love, Sylvie." _

The pills stick in my throat figures; I can't even die correctly. After a round of vomiting, heaving, coughing, I manage to calm down enough to reach into my desk drawer I'm looking for my gun, but I find my spare cell phone, I always keep two just in case of an emergency when you have CF and a dangerous job like mine you can never be too prepared, I hate feeling like this so weak, so powerless so damaged. I need help I know it, I'm just not strong enough to do this on my own. I hesitate for a brief second before calling Matt again. I find myself bargaining with God. "If Matt answers God, it's a sign you want me to live, if he doesn't. Then I know you want me home." It's stupid, I know, yet it keeps me hoping for a split second till his voicemail pops back up. I leave another message; my voice strained in tears.

"Matt, I am so sorry Gabby left, it's my fault. I pushed her too hard; I didn't think she would snap. I didn't know how much she was hurting; I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry that I caused you this much pain. I just wanted to let you know that I've made a decision. I wanted to leave this message to let you know I'm probably not going to make it much longer. This is me saying goodbye. I love all of you at 51, you have given me so much. I don't deserve any of you. Please tell my parents that I loved them and that I am sorry I am such a screw-up. I love you."

Puling out my .34 Caliber Glock, The shiny black metal gleams like a reward to me. I hope this is quick and painless, unlike my life. Turning up my stereo since I know the kids are home next door, I crank up the volume. I have some morals left, after all. Don't want them scarred for life by the sound of this gunshot. I'm lost, but soon I will be found in the arms of Jesus, he will forgive me, I have to believe this. Closing my eyes, I raise the gun to my head, trying to listen to the song, if I listen to the lyrics, it won't hurt as much. At least that's what I tell myself. The cold metal against my temple makes me shiver. The words are perfect.

_**"If I weren't here tomorrow would anybody care If my time were up, I'd want to know You were happy I was there **_

_**If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep  
If I wasn't hard and hollow  
Then maybe you would miss me**_

_**I know I'm a mess and I want to be someone Someone that I'd like better I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever **_

_**What if I just pulled myself together Would it matter at all What if I just tried not to remember Would it matter at all All the chances that have passed me by Would it matter if I gave it one more try Would it matter at all." **_

Deep breath Sylvie, it won't hurt much longer.

**Lyrics are to Skillet's song Would It Matter. **


	3. Chapter 3 Peace and acceptance

**Chapter 3: Peace and Acceptance**

**P O V: Stella Kidd**

**A/N: Rated T for some sexual description.**

"Stella, baby, what's wrong?" Kelly's voice whispers in my ear as his arms wrap tightly around my bare chest across, my back which his naked body is pressed against fantastic amazing lips are trailing sweet honey BBQ flavored kisses all down my neck, spine. "I don't know Kelly. I can't put it into words, I can't pinpoint what it is or why I feel this way. I just have a bad feeling. Kelly, I never ignore my feelings. My gut has gotten me through every hardship in life."

"I get that Stella, I understand it I use the same techniques, always rely on your guts, heart. Sometimes though baby you need a rest. All year we've been struggling, going back and forth between one crisis after another. You deserve to take some time. Zach's gone; Anna is gone, we're both hurting babe, what's the harm in a little fun?" "A little? Kelly is more like six or seven times."

"I'm not complaining." Crawling on top of him, I smile slightly at least try to. I want him to know how much I appreciate him, love being with him, yet it's almost like my muscles forget how to smile and be happy.

His hands roam my body as I guide him inside of me, moaning in delight as he starts to thrust. "Damn baby, I like it when we have fun." "I know you do Kelly." guiding his hands to my butt checks, I watch his eyes dance with delight as they watch my chest rise, fall. "Stella you are barely smiling, I know I am getting old, but I know I haven't lost my touch, talk to me. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry I can't shake this damn feeling it keeps getting more and more gut-wrenching. I haven't felt this way since Harry; I don't want ever to make that mistake again." He doesn't ask who Harry is or why I keep thinking of another man while we make love. Kelly's impressive that way, I know he's thinking about it wondering, probably getting pissed. Yet he trusts me. So he keeps quiet, giving me my space.

"Relax Stella, your thinking too hard warmth spreads through my lower half as my moans get louder. "I'm just confused how could Gabby leave her whole life behind? She has a husband she made vows to,; we're her family. How could she be such a bitch to Brett? She's so sweet; she didn't deserve that."

"She has her reasons after Shay nearly died, I ran as far away from Chicago as I could. It was simply to painful to be around the crew knowing that they saw the truth. I couldn't save her. I was not leader material. At least that's what I told myself." "I needed to lick my wounds. To find my own way.'

"You came around though at some point. " I did because Matt wouldn't give up, and we won't give up on them Stella, but tonight needs to be about us. It'll be hard at first, they'll feel alone, angry, confused, scare. Depressed. They may drink too much sleep too little, but they'll rise, the human spirit is unbreakable."

"I wish that were true Kelly, but it isn't people break; sometimes they shatter like glass, there's no putting shattered glass back together, there are simply too many fragments." "That's why we should be there. Kelly tonight's going to be the hardest...oh god!" My body took over my mind; each thrust became more feverish, harder. "We promised Stella after you saw Gabby's status, no cell's, no electrical Devices taking the night off, just the two of us. We have the right to be happy. No matter how much someone else is hurting. We can't take away their pain."

I squeal as he throws me down on the bed my legs spread wider so he can now lay in between them pumping faster, both of us panting as our bodies start to climax together, our lips smashing together. I grip his arms so strong, so big our bodies mold together as human canvases feverish as we make love.

"We all deserve peace Stella, the sooner we find the acceptance to allow ourselves to be happy, to make mistakes, hurt to simply be human, the more peaceful our lives will become."

Why is Harry on my mind so much though? Block him out, Stella, he's gone. He's been gone for years he's my past. Kelly is my present and my future, he's right here. There's always tomorrow to worry about Sylvie and Matt. Tomorrow, I'll talk to Matt, spend the day with him, make sure he's eating properly, sleeping. Tomorrow I'll take Sylvie out on a girl's night.

Tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4 Love

**Chapter 4: Love**

**P O V: Matthew Casey**

**Molly's Bar ****1925 W Cortland St, Chicago, IL 60622**

**May 18****th**** 5:40 pm**

"I promise to love you. Treasure you, Fight with you. Side by side. I promise to love you forever stand besides you, through sickness and health. Till death due us part."

"I use to think I was irreplaceable. I mean those were her words Herrmann. She made those promises. I didn't force her. After everything we went through. How could she just leave me like this?" We had dreams, plans, hopes. Where did it all go wrong? How did it all get so blown up?"

Sliding me another beer Herrmann shrugs "I don't know man, I'm sorry hey on the bright side man, beers are half price to you now Captain."

"Cheap ass." Adam Rusek comes up slapping me on my back "his wife just left him, if anyone deserves to drink free tonight it's this dude." "Tell ya what Adam since you've already consumed way too many past the limit. Your off the severing list but I'll put the rest of his tab on your account."

"Hey!"

"Sounds good dude thought so."

Chief slides besides me squeezing my shoulders a crisp nod between us lets me know he hurts for me. "It'll get easier Casey. Someday it'll hurt less, right now it's like a god damn bitch but your heart will heal." My cell flashes "Gabby?" I shake my head towards the chief as I see Sylvie's name and face flash on my cell. I wonder briefly what she wants, but I'm not ready to talk to anyone else yet. Not about Gabby not to her, she's too close to the drama.

Right now I just want to drink myself numb maybe find a hot woman and get laid. "Next round Herrmann." Chief slaps my back "Is on me for Casey." "Thanks man you don't have to." "I know Casey I want to." "Gonna get that call looks like Sylvie, hope she's feeling better, She looked pretty sick today I almost sent her home early." Chief's words haunt me as I reach for the cell just as it stops ringing.

People cheer as the game erupts some team scored I can't focus on who is playing or even what sport is on. My mind feels fussy like I'm plunging into a deep dark abyss. "I've never felt pain like this I think my heart is going to shatter Chief. Even when Hallie died I felt something besides pain. This is agonizing."

"It's raw yet Casey. Your still bleeding, think of a piece of meat when you throw it and dogs attack it." "Lovely image of my heart chief thanks." He raised his glass as I clicked mine against his. "Wanna hit the gym tomorrow?" Kevin Atwalter is besides me grabbing beers for his team. "Sounds like a plan man thanks." We bump fists I feel Kim squeeze my shoulders her softness triggers something inside of me I instantly recall Gabby's soft coca skin smelling of delicious vanilla as her arms wrapped around my naked form while we lay in bed after making love.

"Heartbreak is a bitch man, she's the daughter of that fat ass bitch who we call karma, except she's never ending. Just when we think we're healing something else comes along to break our hearts again."

"This bitch needs an antacid."

"Anyone seen Sylvie yet?" Otis comes up "Nah did she say she was coming?" "Honestly didn't see her much today she was showering than I think she fell asleep." "try calling her Otis." "copy that chief. She wasn't looking too well earlier." "I know that's why I am worried. Did either of you do her cpt before you left?" A worried look comes over his face I should be concerned about her I know that but all I see in my mind right now are the trips Gabby and I planned to take.

I can see us in Africa building schools, making love under the stars. Her touch still sends tiny goose bumps gliding up my arms, my nostrils can still smell her, my lips tingle from our last kiss, her moans still echo in my ears. We had made love only two days ago in hopes of getting her pregnant.

God what I wouldn't give to be in our bed holding my wife kissing her naked body making plans with her, hearing her laugh. Getting up I head to the bathroom all this beer is going straight to my bladder, of course, my cell rings again as I'm relieving myself. I can't get to it fast enough of course, by the time I am done and wrestle my way outside for quite the ringing has stopped.

Chief's words get to me as I press play what if she's sick and needs to get to the hospital she's too stubborn to call 911 if the guys didn't do her CPT she's probably struggling to breathe. I won't forgive myself if anything happens to her. Even though I don't want to talk about Gabby, I press play to see what she said.

Her voice breaks as it comes out she sounds so lost, hurt scared and devastated, her words are what stop me cold though. She's saying goodbye, why is she saying goodbye? How could this happen? I can't Drive I know him too intoxicated to see straight so I could leave on back into the bar look for anyone from 51 or district 21 who isn't completely intoxicated Kim is opposed to notice me starting like a lost boy in never, never land. "Matt?"

"Kim can you drive safe?"

"Yes, what is wrong?"

"I think Sylvie is going to hurt herself we need to get over to her apartment immediately."

"Let's go Erin, Hailey come with us." Both women look up lost but quickly follow no questions asked.

I hope we make it in time Jesus Take the Wheel.


End file.
